June 12: Leaving the Nest

“I’m 18! I’m an adult, I can do what I want.”
“As long as you live under my roof you live by my rules!”
Ah, the age old battle of wills between parents reluctant to let go of control and children eager to test their wings and establish their independence.

Moving from childhood to adulthood is a process, not a singular event. If the Space shuttle, upon returning to the gravitational pull of earth after floating care-free in outer space, doesn’t pentrate the earth’s atmosphere at just the right speed and correct angle it can burn up or “bounce” into oblivion.

So it is with making the transition from a carefree childhood to the world of weighty adult responsibility—if the transition is not handles correctly….

We’ve seen many relationships crash and burn because this transition to adulthood was mishandled; sometimes too fast, sometimes too slowly. Either a "failure to launch" or the parent and/or child too eager to escape the bounds of parental authority.

God made woman from Adam and brought her to the man…Adam said, "This is now bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh; she shall be called 'woman, for she was taken out of man." For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and they will become one flesh. Gen 2:20-24

Biblically, when does a child become an adult? The Bar Mitzvah (Bat Mitzvah for girls) at one’s thirteenth birthday is a ceremony where the community marks the passage from childhood into adulthood. Biblically, when does an adult child shed the restraints of parental authority? No matter how old you get you’re always someone’s child.

"Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right. "Honor your father and mother"--which is the first commandment with a promise-- "that it may go well with you and that you may enjoy long life on the earth." Eph 6:1-3

Honor and obey your parents for how long? As long as they live. Eli was a priest who was held accountable for the misbehavior of his adult children (see 1 Samuel 2).

Parental authority is like a protective umbrella that God provides. Parents and young adult children need to be careful. Don’t rush to remove the protective umbrella of parental authority.

Becoming an adult is a process, not an event. while getting one’s driver’s license, turning 18 or graduating high school does not automatically make one an adult, they are mile markers on the road to adulthood. Adulthood is not marked by an age, but when one is able to be financially self-sufficient and maintain their own job and household.

Parents would do well to remember what it was like when they were preparing to leave home and learn to adapt to an adult-to-adult relationship with their child.

The goal is a smoother transition to adulthood. Be careful not to rush the removal of the protective umbrella of parental authority. Parents and children alike are ready to launch at age 18 or “going off to college”. When they launch they will latch onto something or someone to be like a surrogate family—don’t rush to remove the umbrella of parental authority; it is a gift from God and should be in place until a person is ready to establish their own family.

~ Father, we live in a culture that over-values, and is even addicted to, independence. Teach us interdependence and the value of parental authority. Amen.