The Journey

"MY LORD GOD, I have no idea where I am going. I do not see the road ahead of me. I cannot know for certain where it will end. Nor do I really know myself, and the fact that I think that I am following your will does not mean that I am actually doing so.

But I believe that the desire to please you does in fact please you. And I hope I have that desire in all that I am doing. I hope that I will never do anything apart from that desire. And I know that if I do this you will lead me by the right road though I may know nothing about it.

Therefore will I trust you always though I may seem to be lost and in the shadow of death. I will not fear, for you are ever with me, and you will never leave me to face my perils alone."

- Thomas Merton

"Would you still love me if you knew the 'real' me?"

I was so good at pretending
like an actor on a stage
but in the end nobody knew me
only the roles that I portrayed
and I would rather have you hate me
knowing who I really am
than to try and make you love me
being something that I can’t”

(from “God Knows I Tried” by Ray Boltz).

"Would you still love me if you knew the 'real' me?" It's a universal question. And because of fear many never verbalize it. And because of fear many never have the courage to be authentic and let the chips fall where they may. No doubt, with recent news of a popular Christian singer 'coming out' about his sexuality, there will be many former fans lining up to condemn him..

But I like the way he put it: "I really had no master plan here. I’ve just been trying to go with the idea that you can either live your life out of love or out of fear."

Being honest with ourselves and honest with God (who already knows anyway) is crucial. Choosing not to live out of fear is freeing. I hear Ray's story repeated quite frequently, often by church leaders... or their children:

“I’d denied it ever since I was a kid. I became a Christian, I thought that was the way to deal with this and I prayed hard and tried for 30-some years and then at the end, I was just going, ‘I’m still gay. I know I am.’ And I just got to the place where I couldn’t take it anymore … when I was going through all this darkness, I thought, ‘Just end this.’”

When I read the story I felt sad. Not sad about the truth, but sad that Ray had lived in fear and captivity for so long. What kind of reaction will he get from the adoring crowds who applauded, bought his CDs and sang his songs in their worship services? That remains to be seen, but I have a pretty good guess, and it's not pretty.

The sad thing is that many who will be 'throwing stones' and removing his songs from their praise band's playlist have their own secrets, their own dual lives. Too many of us live in the same fear and with disparity between our private and public lives. We worship every week, lives veiled in secret bondage while singing songs of freedom.

Spiritual freedom begins with honesty. One reason church attendance has dropped off in recent decades in America is for this very reason. People are tired of the hypocrisy; tired of faking it (or being told to fake it). Those with the courage to live honestly are tired of being judged by people who aren't.

I am blessed to have a small group of friends with whom I can 'lay my cards on the table' and still be accepted and loved. We honestly share our failures and weaknesses, our struggles and fears. We encourage each other to face our giants and live authentically.

I think that's part of what makes for heaven on earth; no skeletons in the closet. Not that there are no skeletons, just that they're not kept secret, therefore the fear of them being revealed holds no power over our daily lives. That is freedom. And in that freedom is peace and joy.

I pray for Ray, that as he lives authentically he will know that freedom, joy and peace. And I pray for all the other 'rays' out there, some of whom will be his harshest critics, who don't yet have the courage to live honestly, and who, as a result, are still locked in their own prisons. I pray they will truly hear the invitation of Jesus and find freedom...and rest.

"The Spirit of the Lord is on me, because he has anointed me to preach good news to the poor.
He has sent me to proclaim freedom for the prisoners and recovery of sight for the blind,
to release the oppressed, to proclaim the year of the Lord's favor."
(Isaiah 61:1-2; repeated by Jesus in Luke 4)

"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls."
(Matthew 11:28-29)

August 4: Back in the Paddle

Memorial Day weekend I threw my back out. The pain was terrible all day Sunday and through the night, and all day Monday. I spent some time Monday in a swimming pool in hopes of finding relief from the pain and stiffness, all to no avail. As I sat in my recliner that evening I let out a huge sneeze, at which time I both felt and simultaneously heard a “pop” in my lower back. I was immediately pain free and had full range of motion, having realigned whatever had been out of whack. The next morning the pain had returned and continued until the middle of the following week.

After feeling okay for about four days, on Father’s Day it was “dejavu all over again”. As I reached down to pick up a microphone at church I heard the crack and couldn’t stand upright. A week of muscle-relaxers, pain killers, anti-inflammatories and heating pads followed. No lifting, anything, not even a newspaper. No driving. Grounded. That was followed by X-rays and over a month of physical therapy with heat packs, stretching my back muscles and learning and doing exercises to strengthen my core. So that’s been my summer vacation. Not quite what I planned.

Unable to go kayaking since April 24—it’s been a long, bleak “winter of the soul” this summer. So yesterday was my first real day of freedom. A couple of friends and I went kayaking in the Great Dismal Swamp and out into Lake Drummond. Nine miles of paddling to take my rehabbed back for a test drive. We had a blast. Even the blazing heat could not evaporate the sheer gratitude of being out on the water.

So today I’ve been thinking a lot about strengthening one’s “core”. Saturday morning TV is filled with advertisements and infomercials hawking diets, machines and exercise equipment to strengthen the core abdominal and back muscles. What about the real core—the “heart”, the soul, the spirit? What’s being done to strengthen those things?

“Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life.
Put away perversity from your mouth; keep corrupt talk far from your lips.
Let your eyes look straight ahead, fix your gaze directly before you.
Make level paths for your feet and take only ways that are firm.
Do not swerve to the right or the left; keep your foot from evil.”
(Proverbs 4:23-27, NIV)

Godly advice instructs us to "guard our heart"--not the organ that pumps blood, but our beliefs, values...our faith. Avoid giving in to temptation, work on controlling your tongue, and practice spiritual discipline and focus in order to protect your “heart”, the core of your spiritual being. Just as we give attention to our physical well-being, we need to make our spiritual health and well-being a priority also.

“Above all else…”, the highest priority, is to guard your heart. Don’t allow people or circumstances to sour you, or derail your pursuit of living to please God. How is that done?

“Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable--if anything is excellent or worthy of praise—let your mind dwell on these things…the God of peace will be with you.” (Philippians 4:8-9)

~ Father, guide me as I make developing my spiritual “core” my highest priority. Amen.